Am I your love?

…or your need? A bit a both?

I wonder which is true for me?

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Isn’t it amazing how an anchor can either ground you or make it difficult to breathe?

Perhaps the only truth is: reality is defined by what you seek.

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The more I think about it, the more I believe, we miss people not because of who they are but because of what we feel when we are with them. 

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I find patterns to be quite beautiful.

Familiarity is a pattern. It’s a very easy pattern to establish between friends and lovers. And in the routine of familiarity, I often find myself building my home.

After all, the boundary between needing someone, wanting someone, becoming used to their presence and then depending on them — are lines that bleed into one another all too easily.

It’s natural for familiarity to be both comfortable and scary. Because when the person with whom you’ve built this little world leaves, they take with them all the pieces that created that “familiarity.” And in place of those pieces, we find nothing but hollowness. 

Regardless of who’s choice it was to “leave,” for both, finding emptiness in places where love and happiness used to live- hurts. It really hurts.

Yes, it feels harder to feel complete when that person is not there.

Yes, it feels harder to do those same familiar things without them.

But this too is part of the process.

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Habits and routines are the byproducts of familiarity.

In order to change the foundation on which we build habits and routines, we need to root familiarity in what we want from life, not in what comes our way.

To do this we must first become aware of what it is that we desire; equipped with this knowledge we can then establish the foundation of our home in the values and dreams that we wish for our future.

Then when the byproduct of familiarity leads to habits and routines – we won’t be so scared.

For just as deeply as we anchored in the other, we anchored in ourselves.

And next time hollowness will only visit our heart, not make a home there- because we have learnt what we need to make ourselves whole again.