Or am I caught between me and him?

I need space to digest what is happening with me, to think my feelings through, and then to respond. After I’ve found my bearing, I choose to write a letter, other times I choose to ask for a conversation – in either case the space to think precedes the sharing.

He asks for me to communicate in real time, to share what’s going on – as we go along. So I try, and like a toddler learning to walk – I find myself falling short often and hard. I don’t yet have the skill or language to express myself in real time – so I just share what is, in it’s raw form – and that more often than not hurts; miscommunication compounds.

What makes this predicament between what we need from each other even more confusing – is that neither one of us is wrong in what we ask, nor are we wrong in our process of how we wish to co-exisit.

Where we fail is in remembering that systems take time to build, and that feeling like we are riding the waves of a rough sea isn’t how things will always be.

My responsibility to me is to find peace in my heart with what I share & how I share it, regardless of if he accepts it or not. Is this fair to him? I don’t know what he thinks, but I would assume not.

However, I can only speak about my self healing journey, and I know that my greatest tasks lies in learning that my sense of self-worth is not tied to how he responds or the energy that he gives based on what I share, but rather my sense of self worth is tied to knowing that I am doing the best that I can with what I have, and that I am choosing to express myself – whenever I do express myself with authenticity.

I’ve also realized that I am not my authentic self when I react to his words, or push my emotions as my behavior towards him.

If I could, I would write to him and say for that – I am wholeheartedly sorry,
If I could, I would explain, but this time –
this time I think I’ll write for myself instead.